For quite some time now I've contemplated the level of personal information sharing I would dispense here. Though I've always felt over-sharing isn't that cute, I make a miserable authority on hiding behind insecurities. So I suppose this first self induced therapeutic post comes in the form of a message I want to share with you amazing readers. Neither me, nor my life is perfect. In fact, at most times these days I feel more or less off kilter (to put it lightly). It hasn't always
been this way, but I would say, given the
circumstances, there has been an underlying case of the blues for the greater part of the last
12-18 months.... and I have no effing idea why. Well, I have ideas, but in keeping the over-sharing to a minimum as aforementioned... I have many blessings, and I count them all, but that doesn't mean I have it all checked in perfect form.
I feel a
strong desire to share this information with some of you as it has
come to my attention that I may possibly be portraying the persona of having it all.
Not so long ago a good friend called to congratulate me on a Charlotte
magazine award the Queen City Style received. She went on to explain that she was recently
at a gathering where some girls were asking “did you see that so and so Whitley
was wearing” (on the Queen City Style)?
“Whitley, you are all the buzz,” my friend proceeded. Immediately I felt insecure and shared that I
hoped people were saying only nice things. Soon after, someone (a male) who I am fairly close to by association, asked
me in front of others, “So, I don’t get it; taking all of these pictures of
yourself… ‘Hey, look at me!’ What is it
you are trying to do?” I get it. I understand his lack of understanding, but
the delivery of his message hurt.
I just want to put it out there that I am NOT a super confident person; quite the opposite, but that
is how his comment made me feel I might be interpreted by someone who sees me here.
On some minuscule level, I understand what it must be like for those famous people in magazines whose lives are judged, berated and torn apart based on perception. I'm guilty of it. Admittedly, I stand in the longest line at the supermarket just so I can get my fill of glamour sleaze and dish. It's so totally intriguing to look and ponder. But let me say this; I do not and will not judge. Perhaps, however, this is a perfect example for my own insecurities, and so, if me or this fashion blog delivers some false sense of self or persona for having it all, I feel compelled to tell you I am filled with insecurities. I do not think I am ugly, but I tend to think I am not all that pretty, not terribly bright and I have a lot of ground to gain as it pertains to worldly contributions. The worst part about all of this, for me.... I know that confidence is far more attractive than a lack thereof. I wish I did not care as much what others thought of me, but I do. I want to be liked. Being kind and doing nice things for others brings me joy. Perhaps the reaction of thanks and approval serves as a source of validation. I know it's what it is on the inside that matters. I feel good about what is on my inside, but I'm just REALLY ready to make the morph from caterpillar to butterfly.
I am going to cut this for now, and perhaps come back later with more some other time. I am not seeking your pity or praise. I just want to share this side of myself with you, and I want you to know how much I appreciate you being here. Your readership makes me happy beyond words. I would love so much to meet
each and every one of you, and so if you ever see me across the produce aisle or catch me in the check out line taking in a dose of someone else's picture perfect life, please introduce yourself and give me a hug!
I hope you are having a fabulous week! All my lovin'... I send to you :) -Whitley
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